Please note, this is a completely random post that
might will have themes some find offensive such as direction mention of unmentionables. If talk of lingerie shops and/or underwear make your face turn crimson and generate a sudden need to fan yourself, please either: A. go get your fan or B. stop reading now.
As another disclaimer to all of those who recently started following me, I tend to post about random, and slightly taboo things from time to time. Have no fear, I have admitted to this and that is the first step to recovery, is it not? I just have a relapse every now and then, like today…
At 26 I must be getting old. That, or I have absolutely no fashion sense whatsoever.
Our dog has an attraction to my underwear drawer like a mosquito to a bug zapper. He knows he’s not supposed to have them and I’ll scold him, he just can’t stop himself. Just like a mosquito flying “into the light”. So after five months, our dog Sir Rhett has chewed through enough of my panties that I had to go get new ones. For the sake of convenience (and price) I generally buy panties in multipacks at Target, but I just so happened to be going to the mall the other day and decided to go see what Victoria’s Secret had on sale…
Butt Bling–that’s what.
I walked in and found six large, round tables decorated each with a giant spiral of colorful laces or other designs along the top of panties, that spanned the entire color spectrum. I was in awe and started looking over the spiral… “…no, no hot pink lace for me…” ” …eh, no green fringe or orange and black zebra stripes, either..” “Yowza, I’ll pass…” “Aha, these are classy–and look comfortable.”
I pick up this pair that’s a smooth, crimson satin; something like a nice respectable, but still young, mother would wear and my eyes nearly popped out of my head. A word was written in bright, shiny, large rhinestones across the derriere. Honestly, my first thought was: How can someone be comfortable sitting down in these? My second thought was: If you wear a pair of pants with too thin of fabric wouldn’t it be possible to READ this through the pants? Since when did this become all the rage? I quickly put them down before anyone could see me holding them and kept looking. And looking. And looking. Not that any of you really wish to know this, but I left with nothing. If it wasn’t rhinestones, it was glitter. Seriously glitter? I don’t know about anyone else, but when I wear things with glitter on them, without fail the glitter pieces start to come off… I’m sorry, but I have no real desire to have specks of glitter there. If I picked up a pair that didn’t have something written in rhinestones or glitter, it had dangies–and I don’t mean fringe, but more like metal and plastic charms that made a design, or went in a line–either straight or diagonal–across the back.
As I said, I must be getting old, or have no idea what’s fashionable because I couldn’t bring myself to purchase a single pair. Perhaps it’s fear I’ll have a word written out in a series of small bruises on my backside due to sitting on rhinestones for hours on end or the possible mortification I might face if someone were to see the word “sexy” or “pink” on my hiney through my pants, but I couldn’t do it. And the glitter and charms are just too much to even consider.
My husband, man that he is, immediately wanted to see my find when I got home. Imagine his disappointment when I whipped out a package of granny-panties from Target!
Of course I then felt compelled to tell him the scary things I found at VS and my utter shock at the number of 30 and 40-something year olds in there snapping them up like they were six-year-olds visiting a free candy shop. To which he immediately rolled his eyes and groaned, then said, “Those ladies aren’t buying them because they’re comfortable, they’re not even buying them for themselves.”
“No. They’re for their husbands.”
“I see… And do their husbands plan to wear them?”
And that was the end of that.
Seriously, I might have gone straight from 25 to 62 this year, but if it means I don’t have to wear butt bling, I welcome being a senior citizen with open arms!