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Butt Bling!

Please note, this is a completely random post that might will have themes some find offensive such as direction mention of unmentionables. If talk of lingerie shops and/or underwear make your face turn crimson and generate a sudden need to fan yourself, please either: A. go get your fan or B. stop reading now.

As another disclaimer to all of those who recently started following me, I tend to post about random, and slightly taboo things from time to time. Have no fear, I have admitted to this and that is the first step to recovery, is it not? I just have a relapse every now and then, like today…

At 26 I must be getting old. That, or I have absolutely no fashion sense whatsoever.

Our dog has an attraction to my underwear drawer like a mosquito to a bug zapper. He knows he’s not supposed to have them and I’ll scold him, he just can’t stop himself. Just like a mosquito flying “into the light”. So after five months, our dog Sir Rhett has chewed through enough of my panties that I had to go get new ones. For the sake of convenience (and price) I generally buy panties in multipacks at Target, but I just so happened to be going to the mall the other day and decided to go see what Victoria’s Secret had on sale…

Butt Bling–that’s what.

I walked in and found six large, round tables decorated each with a giant spiral of colorful laces or other designs along the top of panties, that spanned the entire color spectrum. I was in awe and started looking over the spiral… “…no, no hot pink lace for me…” ” …eh, no green fringe or orange and black zebra stripes, either..” “Yowza, I’ll pass…” “Aha, these are classy–and look comfortable.”

I pick up this pair that’s a smooth, crimson satin; something like a nice respectable, but still young, mother would wear and my eyes nearly popped out of my head. A word was written in bright, shiny, large rhinestones across the derriere. Honestly, my first thought was: How can someone be comfortable sitting down in these? My second thought was: If you wear a pair of pants with too thin of fabric wouldn’t it be possible to READ this through the pants? Since when did this become all the rage? I quickly put them down before anyone could see me holding them and kept looking. And looking. And looking. Not that any of you really wish to know this, but I left with nothing. If it wasn’t rhinestones, it was glitter. Seriously glitter? I don’t know about anyone else, but  when I wear things with glitter on them, without fail the glitter pieces start to come off… I’m sorry, but I have no real desire to have specks of glitter there. If I picked up a pair that didn’t have something written in rhinestones or glitter, it had dangies–and I don’t mean fringe, but more like metal and plastic charms that made a design, or went in a line–either straight or diagonal–across the back.

As I said, I must be getting old, or have no idea what’s fashionable because I couldn’t bring myself to purchase a single pair. Perhaps it’s fear I’ll have a word written out in a series of small bruises on my backside due to sitting on rhinestones for hours on end or the possible mortification I might face if someone were to see the word “sexy” or “pink” on my hiney through my pants, but I couldn’t do it. And the glitter and charms are just too much to even consider.

My husband, man that he is, immediately wanted to see my find when I got home. Imagine his disappointment when I whipped out a package of granny-panties from Target!

Of course I then felt compelled to tell him the scary things I found at VS and my utter shock at the number of 30 and 40-something year olds in there snapping them up like they were six-year-olds visiting a free candy shop. To which he immediately rolled his eyes and groaned, then said, “Those ladies aren’t buying them because they’re comfortable, they’re not even buying them for themselves.”

“Oh?”

“No. They’re for their husbands.”

“I see… And do their husbands plan to wear them?”

And that was the end of that.

Seriously, I might have gone  straight from 25 to 62 this year, but if it means I don’t have to wear butt bling, I welcome being a senior citizen with open arms!

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18 thoughts on “Butt Bling!”

  1. I am with you on this post. I have always put my comfort first when it comes to underwear. Nothing like having an uncomfortable pair of underwear or bra on to make for an interesting day.

      1. I cannot even tell you the last time I wore an underwire bra, maybe my wedding. But seeing how I have mentioned before that I don’t have much there, my bra’s have their own shape but I do love those concealing petals. Seems like after having kids I need those petals all the time.

    1. No, probably not… The most disturbing part was there was a woman in there with her 12 year old son who stood there and watched her pick out her drawers. I couldn’t even bring myself to meet his eyes on the way out.

      1. How embarrassing for the boy. My husband’s cousin posted on FB one day that her 3 year old son could read the word across her underwear one day and that she would have to be more careful about what she wore in front of him now that he learned how to read. She is a total butt bling kind of girl.

  2. Your a little too young to be part of the AARP world but butt bling is a pain in the tush at any age (yes, the pun is intended) So join the ranks of the women who put on their “big girl granny panties” each morning and face the world with confidence knowing that there butt is safe for mankind or the kind man that they love!!!!

    1. Yes, my husband loves butt bling with a capital L, his words, not mine. I guess of course others do, too, otherwise there wouldn’t have been six tables filled with butt bling panties. Just not my thing.

  3. And then there are the sweat pants from Juicy Couture that have “Juicy” written across the butt. Not so much…..

    1. I’ve seen those!! I do not understand that obsession, either. Even the brand: Juicy? Frankly, I wouldn’t want Juicy written across my backside or my breasts under any condition. Just the connotations that brings up is enough to make me blush.

  4. I must agree with the no butt bling. Although I am currently 43 even when I was in my twenties I went for comfort.

  5. I have to admit I always wondered about the edible undies but that is as far as my adventurous heart would take me…wondering. I would think all those undies at VS are for the bedroom or playtime only. Can’t imagine wearing something sounding so uncomfy. And with my figure I can’t imagine hubby enjoying them as they would be hidden under the muffin top.
    Thanks for sharing your adventures. Makes me almost curious enough to check out the local VS for fun…but I hate malls.

    1. I know nothing about edible undies.

      I do know, however, that VS has panties that are for everyday wear. I have a few that are just plain-jane paints from there.

      You’re welcome for the adventure story. I’m glad you got the chance to live through me…even if it was doing something so strange.

  6. I go into VS about once every couple of year, mostly when I have a friend getting married. But for myself I refuse to pay that much for something no one is going ot see and doesn’t seem like it would be very comfortable.

    1. Your thinking rivals mine: why pay so much for something so expensive that nobody is going to see? But when the word SALE is written in large letters on the window, it’s like a lure…

  7. Ok, I’m late reading this post… but I have been literally LOL-ing the entire time I’ve been reading… the original post is hilarious and every comment made me smile. I have had to look at a lot of lingerie lately… my sister is getting married next month. I am apparently in the same club that you all belong to… the comfort club! I always thought that I was a lot more fun… but everything my sister held up, I had something to say about it:

    That will poke you, You can’t lace that up by yourself, Do you realize where that goes?!?, So, you find wiggling out of straight jackets sexy?

    Finally she said, “I think you’ve been married too long.”

    I’m not sure how I feel about that… Is it wrong to slip into that stage of marriage where your husband is more likely to laugh at you instead of putting the kids in bed at 7:30 and locking the doors when he comes home and you’re wearing bedazzled undies and lace-up stockings? I find I can’t complain… I’d laugh too. 🙂

    Thanks for the comic relief, Rose. I know when I open your blog I am going to be entertained.

    1. I’m glad you liked the post, Darah.

      Well, I know a secret about just how “fun” you are and what can make you blush… Just saying.

      You know though, I’d be echoing your statements. I had a friend get married recently and she wore her “wedding night lingerie” UNDER her wedding gown so when he helped remove her wedding dress for her, ta-da he was already dressed in her skimpy, skanky wedding night attire. I tried in vain to talk sense into her about how uncomfortable it’d be to wear certain things all day long… (I thought I had her convinced when I reminded her she’d have to dance with her father wearing that outfit under her gown, but she was determined.)

      Have you ever seen Fried Green Tomatoes? The lady is trying to get her husband’s attention after being married so long so she dresses in saran wrap (I think they really used cellophane because it looked too stiff to be plastic wrap) and he walks through the door, sees her, and carries her off…but only to get her out of the view of the front door. Then he scolds her for doing something so stupid. LOL

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