Good morning, all!
For those of you who did not faint in horror or unsubscribe after yesterday’s bare post, I have quite the treat: an interview with Sir Wallace Benedict! He’s not here yet, but I expect him any minute now– *doorbell rings*
Oh that must be him! Come in!
*A handsome man with brown hair, dark eyes and attired in the most impeccable clothing imagineable walks in. Sadly this is NOT Sir Wallace though.* Can I help you?
Yes. I am looking for Ms. Rose Gordon.
Very well then. My name is Wyatt Parchment and I have been paid to come here to deliver you a chartered message from one Lady Olivia Sinclair.
You mean Mrs. Saxon?
No. Lady Olivia.
Sorry, but I don’t know a Lady Olivia. I know of a Mrs. Saxon, formerly Lady Olivia Sinclair.
*Ignoring me, this man unfolds a missive* Ahem,
“Requiring the attention of Ms. Rose Gordon,
“After enduring a most trying experience in America, I returned to my home to find that you had the audacity to misrepresent my trials and tribulations in your books. I am not the abhorent fiend you have made me out to be. Lo, I am a Lady. My upbringing if far more impressive than any of the dimwits you chose to make as your heroines. I wrote to you because I insist you rewrite every book where I am mentioned to better fit how I truly am. Insist might be too soft a word. What I intended to say was demand. Yes, I demand it, Ms. Gordon.
“For I am a victim. I’ve suffered rejection in the cruelest fashion. My father arranged my marriage when I was barely hours old. Am I to be blamed that he chose a bumbling idiot whose known far and wide for his ability to bore people to sleep with his exhaustive talk on scientific pursuits? Am I to be blamed for Caroline having the strangest fascination for using weird objects to look up at the sky or write equally boring scientific articles? Since when was being fashionable and glamorous a crime?
“That is another point of contention I have with you, Ms. Gordon. You have portrayed me as if I am so hideous creature that crawled right out of an exploded circus full of clowns. My hair color is rather unique, and my hair has charm in that it does its own thing. I dress most appropriately, and I assure you if I had known Arid Alex wasn’t sure what a breast was, I wouldn’t have given him a preview of the beauty of the female body. Can I be blamed he finds breasts repulsive? If I’d been a plant, he would have taken notice. Dare I suggest there is something seriously wrong with him?
“Also, I am not fat! I am healthy. Those heroines you pick are starving. Every single last one of them barely eat. Brooke, I can understand. She did marry that earl who barely has a cent to his name. Liberty, I might understand as well. She’s so perfect that I can’t see her eating much in case she’d do something as ghastly as drop a crumb. But Madison, Caroline, Emma and Juliet? None of them are proportioned right. I eat well, so my figure is more endowed then theirs. And I’m to be called disgusting because of this?” *burp*
Excuse you, Mr. Parchment.
*Looks up from paper* For what?
For your…you know.
Oh, for belching? Actually that was part of the letter. See–*turns paper toward me* right here, she interjected a burp.
Why would she– Never mind, Mr. Parchment, read on.
Very well. “Perhaps if I’d been loved more by the people in your books, instead of made a mockery of, the real story of my unfortunate situation might have been told. I did not willingly give in to the man who conceived the..the thing…that grew in my womb for nine very long months. I was forced into it. In my delicate sensibilities, I had no idea what he was doing under my skirts. He said some terms about the involvement in the activity, but I assure you, such words meant nothing to me since I hadn’t heard of them before, not like Caroline who came right out and stated the vulgar terms. I was far too trusting. Then instead of understanding, my brother betrays me and lets that oaf I was forced to marry haul me off to the uncivilized land called America. I still suffer from memories of my time there.” *Wipes eyes* “It was brutal and heartbreaking to be among such commoners who don’t know the value of a Lady when they see one.
“So you see that it is pertinent that you change all of the books at once. Failure to comply with my wishes will result in retaliation of the sort that will result in you losing credibility with anyone who stumbles upon your scribbles. I have ten separate accounts at all major retailers and know terms for your time period that will alert potential readers that you have participated in fraudulant activities! Furthermore, I will stalk those who have reported to liking your work (and therefore showing such little regard for me because of the way you portrayed me) and claim they are you or were paid by you to trash me–I mean to write such drivel. I will not go away until you change the books!!
“So, Ms. Gordon, do we have an understanding or must you keep this unjust attack on my character, resulting in me issuing an unjust attack on yours? *scratches butt*
“Don’t make me come after you and your readers,
*Shakes head* She did NOT tell you to scratch your backside, did she?
*Face flushes red* I’m afraid she did.
*Sigh* Well, she was my first renegade character. I’d brought her into the story to just be a docile, weak and fragile lady in need of protecting. Then she turned vile. *Shudders* But even still, I do love her. Why don’t you have a seat, Mr. Parchment and I’ll dictate a letter to send back to her? How about that?
I am so sorry you feel you’ve been treated unjustly in my books. It was not my original intent. However, had I stuck to my original intent, you would not be happy then, either. See, you would have been forced to marry Arid Alex Banks had I made you conform to my wishes. But instead, you sprouted into your own person–just like your unruly hair. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing at all.
You forget, to be a person as beastly as you are, it takes a great deal of confidence in one’s self. You certainly have that.
Furthermore, to be quite frank, I think there are a lot of us who can relate to your character. See, some of us know a Lady O (myself included). That person who is spiteful and bitter no matter what. Even when they’ve hurt someone else and force a smile, they’re still bitter and burning with spite deep inside themselves. This is the same kind of person who cannot say a kind word unless it’s meant as a sly insult. Or doesn’t know when to leave well enough alone.
As I said, some of us know this type of person, and sadly, some of us ARE this type of person.
I personally think that’s what makes you unique, Olivia. Sure, you may get ripped from time to time in a review (who hasn’t?). But underneath it all, I think you’re secretly one of my most loved characters because people can relate to your personality.
So, chin up, my dear Olivia. You may not have the most flattering role in my books, but you do have the most memorable!
**Sorry, all. That’s all the time I have to write on here for today. Tomorrow I’ll do my interview with Sir Wallace.
[The letter from Lady Olivia Saxon was not mine, it was sent to me by a friend who I cannot thank enough for the laugh.]